I used to think we were doomed.
I used to be really angry at the world.
I used to be unwelcome in the common TV room in my dorm because watching TV with me pointing out every, single gender inequality, injustice or insidious stereotype was just to much to bear.
Hi, my name is E and I am a fun killer.
Does activism and the fight for social change have to be so insufferable? Can my honest attempts at bettering this world through education do more than put a bitter taste in people's mouths and seal their ears whenever I open my mouth to speak?
I admit it took me many, many years and several failed friendships before I realized the cliched truth that you gather more bees with honey, than with vinegar. And now I'm on a mission to smear that honey all over feminism before the last flickering flame is snuffed out forever.
Feminism, as mentioned previously, seems to be thought of as the smelly, annoying kid at the back of the class that no one wants to have in their study group, yet everyone believes has great ideas. People are very quick to dismiss the word, yet profess to live the concept.
I want to investigate this discrepancy.
It seems obvious that many still believe the stereotype that feminists are angry, man hating, hairy legged beasts with no sense of humor, and I'm sorry, but if you are still part of this group I need to politely tell you that it's 2013, so please wake up and Google Patrick Stewart wearing a "this is what a feminist looks like" T-shirt (Ok, ok...he probably has hairy legs. You can't win em all!)
You get the point. A feminist comes in many shapes, sizes, dispositions, genders, sexualities, and leg hair preferences.
But there is another reason for eerie similarity between 'oil and water' and 'feminism and society' which can be summed up as: "what about the men?" This is particularly perplexing to me. It all boils down to a belief that feminists are power hungry; a belief that stems from a fear of destabilizing a status quo, or more specifically, a fear of those with privilege having to actually experience what it's like to be oppressed.
No one wants to be oppressed. That is a 100% rational, reasonable desire. But do you really want to maintain power OVER others? Let me ask you what would happen if you, say, SHARED this power?
Apparently this is a concept quite lost on anti-feminist enthusiasts; the possibility that if women were given access to fair treatment, pay, resources and social value (without their bodies and sexualities coming into question) somehow those in power would LOSE all their resources, fair pay and value. It's not a logical thought, but it is an irrational and surprisingly prevalent fear.
Again, if you find yourself holding on to these beliefs I implore you to use a simple mathematical analogy to ease your anxieties: 1+1 is not equivalent to 1-1. I'm just saying. Women gaining power does not mean men losing power. There is enough room in their world for all of us.
Finally, there is the final argument I have been hearing with increasing regularity: We have moved beyond feminism.
Now, it is true that the point of feminism is so that someday we don't ever need feminism (I thank my wonderful women's studies professor for that nugget of wisdom), but I don't think we are there yet. Aside from obvious (depressing) statistics regarding pay, workplace sexual harassment, rape, domestic abuse and the lack of females in power positions or as healthy Hollywood role models, there exists still a need to deconstruct more deeply the structure in which our society is founded upon; one that values and privileges men and masculinity over and above all else. Fixing pay gaps is one thing, but changing attitudes is what will lead to productive and lasting change. Further, changing belief systems directly at the roots will help quell all those irrational fears that arise when all of a sudden women start getting paid what they are worth (Gasp! The horror!)
When speaking to my undergraduates I am often asked to justify why I am a feminist as opposed to a humanist. I applaud my undergrads for being so attuned to the rights and needs and injustices faced by all humanity and I truly look forward to a future when they are running the country, however, so many of their concerns stem from a fear they will lose their place in a social hierarchy should they focus on women's needs opposed to men and women's needs. Why still the fear of upsetting the men?
I ask you, when black people were fighting for rights and freedoms, was it productive to say "but what about white people?" Likewise, if there is a Muslim group on campus, should we protest that not enough Jewish members are represented?
My point is that people of different groups deserve a unique niche where their specific needs can be assessed and addressed, especially when their needs are not blatantly catered to the way the needs of the status quo are. In a patriarchal society, there exists a niche for women's issues to be fought for without losing focus by bringing in men's concerns too. If I go to a vegetarian cooking class, I'm not about to sidetrack everyone by complaining about how my meat thermometer always burns the ham. It may be true, and I acknowledge it, but I am there to learn about vegetarianism. likewise, men have concerns. Men face injustices. Men struggle. Patriarchy doesn't do them many favors either when it comes to masculinity ideals and feminism does not aim to dismiss those realities. In fact, for those who may not realize this, feminism is a movement committed to ensuring ALL genders can live in a social structure that supports and protects their wellbeing.
Some may call this "equalism" as opposed to feminism. I, personally, am hard pressed to view equalism as a concept that can be accurately employed until a society exists where there is an actual EQUAL proportion of struggle, oppression, celebration and value on both sides of the scale. When a vast imbalance exists, the movement must adopt the perspective of the underrepresented. Again, this is not to say that a blind eye is turned to the struggles of others, but rather once the scales are returned to their balanced state, everyone profits. It's perfectly Ayurvedic.
I'm finding it increasingly frustrating that a few bad apples are tarnishing the name of feminism and turning young, active, and socially conscious minds away from the fight. I don't see the point in throwing away feminism simply because you may have encountered me, or someone else, behaving angrily, yelling at the TV or ruining people's fun as we learned (the hard way) the best way to express our upset and hope for changing the world. I don't think you should ignore what feminism is all about simply because you met a woman who has swarn off men and is bitter because she is still recovering from an ugly breakup. I especially don't think you should swear off feminism because you have met a group of extremists who are angry, man hating beasts who want all the power. Should we eschew the principles of Christianity simply because of the existence of the Westboro Baptist Church?
Whatever you believe (Christianity, Hinduism, feminism, humanism, democracy, socialism, stringent right wing capitalism, the zombie apocolypse, or the idea that heaven really is a cloud made of cupcakes that you sit on while you eat jellybeans all day), you shouldn't let bad apples taint your passion. Instead, USE them as teaching tools to deepen your knowledge and expand your reach. Acknowledge how they destabilized you, and know that that experience can only strengthen the truth that you stand on because it opened a possibility for you to examine your values, beliefs and actions.
I find it frustrating that when I say I am a feminist, or I write about women's issues, people wonder why I don't like men, why I want them to suffer, or why I haven't payed enough attention to the injustices that they face in this world. I think it goes without saying that I believe in the unique value and beauty of every gender. I wish feminist writing could exist without these justifications. To me, these justifications--the fact that I am extra conscious in my writing to acknowledge men, and I feel immense pressure to soothe people's fears about men losing their privilege--is evidence that there is still very much a need for feminism.
I know that activism is not something that most people will find necessarily pleasant or comfortable, given that social comfort is the very thing that activism needs to destabilize to make way for change. I, personally, want to honor the women, men and trans persons who risked disrupting people's social comfort and fun, and fought for the rights women have today. Women who ended up in prisons, or worse, were killed. Women who went against all odds, risking their reputations, friendships, or love affairs, to ensure that I would be able to get the education required to write this post, to vote for the representative who will fight for reproductive rights, and to leave the man who abused me knowing that I wasn't doomed to a life of spinsterhood or tainted for future husbands. I want to thank those activists, those feminists, men, women and trans persons alike, for their commitment to my future. They enabled me to decide if someday I even want to have a husband..or wife; to decide if I want to work publicly or if I want to work in the home raising kids; if I even want to have kids or not.
Yes, feminism has made strides. But the fight isn't over. I am willing to continue risking my reputation and public relations if it means ensuring a good future for the next generations, but I have also learned that I can endear more people to my cause with kind words and solutions rather than anger and blame. With poise, perspective, and positivity - let's not give up now.
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