Desire, Distress and Dysfunction

We live in a culture that seems to value sex more than anything (except money I suppose), so it’s no surprise that, more and more, research is leaning towards examining sexual functioning in men and women. While I don’t object to the need to better understand the experiences and aetiologies of sexual problems in individuals in order to promote more pleasurable and fulfilling sexualities, I do have a growing concern about the discourse of negativity and pathologization that surrounds this research. More importantly, I am aware of the impact that this can have on the perceptions of one’s own experiences as healthy/ or unhealthy and how that in turn can greatly affect our sexual satisfaction.

Upcoming changes to the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) have begun to recognise that the definition of a sexual problem needs to account for the individual’s experience of that sexual “problem”. A questionnaire that says “you don’t orgasm as much as the status quo” is not an accurate measure of sexual functioning if the individual is perfectly happy with their orgasmic frequency. Sexual pleasure is not created and defined equally across individuals – nor should it be.

The problem, however, is these changes might be too late; the moral panic has begun it’s trajectory and in a culture that is so concerned about other’s perceptions of them (to the extent that they get bits of their labia snipped off or skin grafted to their penis to live up to a perceived ideal), I fear individuals will do anything to make sure they are performing sexually either as well as, or better than, their neighbors.

More frightening, is that the focus on sexual problems has direct financial underpinnings which further serves to fuel the panic. Pharmaceutical companies benefit greatly from a culture that believes it is dysfunctional and is willing to buy a pill to ensure a quick fix. In fact, not too many years ago, the term “female sexual dysfunction” was coined by a pharmaceutical company that was manufacturing an erection pill for men that failed. So they created a new clientele – and the disease to go with it, all to ensure they could sell their product.  

Just like we think our house is too small, our car too old, our clothes too unfashionable, our boobs too saggy, our wallet too thin, and our penis too floppy – we too have now begun to think our sex isn’t as good. And let me tell you a secret, it’s NOT. But not because we have begun to fail sexually, but because we have begun to fail ourselves by discounting our sexual independence.   

Sexual desire, arousal, orgasm, duration, frequency, activities, positions, pleasure, fantasies – the list could go on – are all unique personal experiences.  You don’t have sex like your neighbor, your best friend, your idol, your parents or even your twin. So why are you measuring your sexual success – your sexual SATISFACTION – by someone else’s standard? Our growing concerns with measuring up to an arbitrary ideal has robbed us of the personal embodiment of our sexuality. Our sex lives are, and were, perfectly fine. Until we were told they weren’t good enough. That’s why I think it is incredibly important to be conscious of your own sexual desires and needs and to measure your sexual health using only those parameters. If you are feeling sexual distress, ask yourself if it is because you experienced something distressing (trauma, a major life change, a relationship shift, or a medical concern) or if it is because someone planted the idea in your head that if you aren’t paralleling a particular sexual script, you are dysfunctional.

It is critically important to make this distinction as you may require medical or psychological attention (and I highly recommend you seek it if you think it would help you), or you may just need a reality check: YOU. ARE. JUST. FINE (believe me)!

The reason sex isn’t as “good” is because we are no longer appreciating our individual experiences -  not because it isn’t as good spiritually, emotionally, mentally or physically. Let's put it this way: If you really, really, really like mayonnaise with your grilled cheese, and were told you were “abnormal” because “healthy” people eat it with ketchup, chances are the guilt, confusion and self-monitoring are going to hinder your appetite for grilled cheese. And for what benefit? So the makers of ketchup can make a buck? Would you seek ways to fix your grilled cheese habit – or would you say, “Hold up. I like mayonnaise, it satisfies me, so it doesn’t matter how anyone else eats it”! Time to reclaim your grilled cheese - and your sexual satisfaction!

Until we learn to appreciate our own sexual experiences – sex will not be as good, as satisfying, as it was when it was simply a matter of achieving our personal tastes and savoring the sexual flavors that wet our pallet.

Coming soon: Desire, Distress and Dysfunction part II: Why women think they are sexually abnormal because they don’t have the same sex drive as their husband, especially after they took care of the kids all day, cleaned the house, got the groceries, feel fat and ugly because they saw Megan Fox in a bikini and read a news article that claimed healthy women should be able to have G spot orgasms in a snap…. and how all this is INSANE (but a new clitoral cream can erase all of these worries and turn you into a nymphomaniac sex kitten so you can please your man, outshine your peers, and feel like you are a normal woman again. It may even help you win the lottery and meet Brad Pitt)!

Home is where the heart is.

How is sexuality like a house?

When we are kids, we learn basic ways of relating to the world around us. Any fuzzy animal with four legs is a dog - (regardless of whether it's actually a cat, a goat or a rabbit). We are praised for our keen observation, and then shown ways to expand our perceptions to include the diversity of fuzzy animals with four legs.

When our motor skills are more developed, many kids enjoy dabbling in the fine arts and will create masterpieces of "my family and our house" to be hung on the fridge when they get home from school. A child is usually taught that a house can be depicted with a large square containing two windows on the front, a rectangular door and a triangle roof. Parents and teachers feel no pressure to tell them that in actuality houses come in many different shapes, sizes and constructions because they trust that when they get older they will be exposed to an array of different housing structures and naturally come to understand that "a house" carries many forms and meanings. As an adult such simplistic assumptions of what constitutes the "appropriate" criteria for a house will be eagerly dismissed, making way for modern, even "art-like" avant garde representations of houses to be showcased and sold to the lucky few who can afford them (google images of upside down houses, tree houses, underground houses, glass houses, and even hobbit houses).

While, as kids, we may have been told to draw a house a certain way, as we grew older we were no longer limited to the rigid way we first came to understand what "a house" means. Indeed, as an adult in search of our first home, we recognize that houses come in an infinite number of forms and varieties simply because there exists infinite aesthetic, functional and structural needs and preferences to be met and satisfied.

Why is it then, that we are still so bound in terms of what we think sexuality is? Especially with regards to what is understood and taught as "healthy" sexuality, "appropriate" sexual activity and the "best" relational structure in which to engage in the former. If we can see the need to create a tailored (housing) structure to contain us, why are we so contained by the (societal) structure that houses us? 

Just like houses that may take on numerous forms (highrise condo, beach house, apartment, multi-family dwellings), so to do relationships and sexualities. Houses can come in different sizes and designs, be set in different locations, use different materials, contain different elements and contents, and serve different purposes. And as a society we accept this (and if you love HGTV programming as much as I do, you would argue we even celebrate this). We certainly did not grow up and try to make all of our houses conform to a certain norm or standard with disregard to the multitude of needs that exist in the world (in all my travels, I actually have never found a single home that looks like the stereotypical child's drawing, and trust me I've been keenly searching). Frankly it would be ridiculous to assume everyone in the world would be happy in a two bedroom, split level home in suburban southern Canada. Instead, we made our structures conform to us. What began as a foundational way of conceptualizing a house as a kid, got expanded upon and developed in to a rich understanding of the multiple ways that one thing (a home) can manifest.

So why haven't we let our minds grow and expand to understand the multiple ways one thing (a human being) can manifest as well?

With respect to sexuality and relationships, like houses, one size does not fit all! There exists a spectrum of sexual identities (LGBT is just the beginning and yes, asexuality is an identity), a variety of relationship designs and structures (polyamoury, polyfidelity, monogamy, monogamish, swinging etc.), and an even more diverse utopia of needs and preferences when it comes to sexual activities (I'll let you google those on your own time).

My point is when it comes to the sexual education of our kids and future generations, why are we limiting them to the square house with one door, two windows and a triangular roof when so much diversity exists? Sure, you want to give them a good foundation to base their explorations and self-identity development on - but instead of "heterosexuality, monogamy, and sex after marriage", I think we should be using more eco-friendly materials like "high self-esteem, acceptance and respect for others, healthy body image, and personal, relational and sexual autonomy".

If we can give our kids the tools they need build something safe, then we needn't worry about what design they choose in order to feel fulfilled and live happily.

E

Speak up!

I got a bad haircut the other day that reminded me of the importance of good communication, and especially of speaking up about what you want (and what you don't want). Coincidentally, after my disappointing hair do, I was privy to a situation with my roommate that bordered on her being critical and inflexible - perhaps speaking up TOO much.

I would argue there is no place more important to practice good communication than in relationships; especially those that end up in the bedroom (or backseat, or shower or swingers club). But a fine line must be towed between speaking up and nagging.

Still recovering from a superficial depression regarding my appearance (the result of not speaking up), I decided to take stock of my sexual communication skills to see if I was practicing good ethics - respect (for self and others), honesty and sensitivity. I realised, to my horror, I was mostly practicing blame, but dressing it up as "a good feminist take charge attitude". When it came to my sexual needs and desires, I had a healthy dose of self-respect, but I was nagging, not supporting. Ignoring two important communication ethics - sensitivity and respect for others, and placing all my energy on honesty, created an environment that made it difficult for my partner to speak up in order to get his needs and desires fulfilled, and to feel good about himself. Rather than resulting in a satisfying sexuality for myself or my partner, we were both feeling damaged and inadequate.

So what does good communication and speaking up look like?

It begins with self-respect and ends with respect for others. I was more concerned about my hairstylist's feelings than my own, that I bit my tongue. I was uncomfortable about creating an awkward situation or upsetting her. Having a healthy self-respect means believing that you are worthy of asking for and receiving what you want and not placing the other person's feelings and comfort above your own. Having respect for others means trusting the person is mature and strong enough to hear your criticism, and use it as a learning and growing opportunity.

The perils of not speaking up include at best, a disappointing sexual encounter (or haircut), and at worst a possible experience of sexual trauma. (Please note: I am not suggesting sexual trauma happens because people don't say anything -  sexual trauma is awful and unfortunately happens despite having a strong voice and fighting back). Occasionally, however, an individual may feel very insecure about saying "I do not wish to proceed" or "I would like things to change" and thus engages in an unwanted encounter to spare the other person's feelings. This other person was not given the opportunity to stop or slow down, nor were they afforded the ability to learn what it will take to please the individual. Not speaking up creates a sexual cycle where you are not feeling fulfilled and are becoming increasingly worried that it's too late to say something, meanwhile your partner is perfecting the wrong skills and techniques.

Developing the beliefs that a) your needs, interests and desires are important (aka YOU are important) and b) that your partner is mature, supportive and open minded, will result in a stronger communicative bond where you both feel safe to engage in a mutually satisfying sexual encounter.

Then there is the flip side: Abusing the open communication by hijacking the other partner's voice (aka speaking up so much that only your needs are able to be met). Good communication should involve a flow of multiple perspectives, healthy compromise and flexibility. If you find that you feel so strongly about the importance of yourself and your needs, I suggest you stop and examine whether you are still giving space to others.

It is an awful feeling to be constantly nagged. Rather than getting what you want, your constant demands actually result in the other partner(s) shutting down. Being bombarded with demands, tweaks of performance and high expectations puts so much pressure on the other partner(s), that sexual encounters may become a chore, a source of great anxiety or the relationship dynamic will start to reek of resentment. This person has become so attuned to pleasing you, that their own sexuality becomes neglected. They then begin to feel they aren't worthy enough (or it isn't safe enough) to speak up, further perpetuating the cycle of dissatisfaction. They do not see you as mature, supportive or open minded and do not see themselves as important.

Satisfying sexual encounters result when all parties involved have discussed and negotiated desires and expectations - and have made the effort to both please each other, and be pleased. Ignoring either your own, or your partner's pleasure, can only result in a negative experience and negative views towards sexual activity. It can further impact your relationship and self-schema.

I highly suggest that if you are experiencing difficulty either with sex, speaking up, finding self love/respect, or difficulty supporting or making space for others, to consider the benefits of personal, couple or sex therapy. A quick google search will offer you lots of choices in your area.

In the meantime - happy humping.

E

Fasturbation

Books, blogs and research tell of the benefits of masturbation; from release of sexual tension to release of stress and to aid in waking and sleeping. Masturbation is an excellent way to explore your sexuality, your likes, dislikes, desires and fantasies and an even better way to start to understand your body as a sexual organism.

But something is happening to masturbation. The process is being ignored - the curiosity, exploration, and meditation on the body is being skipped over in pursuit of the explosive end point - the Big "O".

When boys are sexually developing (and I would argue girls as well), the discovery of masturbation is both a source of great pleasure and shame. The desire to experience that euphoria is met with contradicting notions of guilt, and messages of propriety, appropriateness and privacy. What results is quick - let me emphasize that again - quick engagements in showers, closets, and under the covers. The uncertainty around whether this activity is something young boys and girls should be participating in has led them to forget the importance of  the journey of exploration and maturation. It encourages them to reach the finish line as fast as possible lest they get caught and experience the ensuing wrath.

Fast forward to the adult years, masturbation has for many become a means to an end. It's become FAST. I need to get off (before my partner gets home?), I need to get off, so I can fall asleep. I need to get off before I have to go to work, or before my lunch break is over. I need to get off to release this sexual anxiety. I need to get off because I am taking too long, I need to get off - to feel release. The message being: I need to get somewhere. The journey has been replaced by the destination.

Masturbation has become Fasturbation.

What happened to "I need to experience pleasure"? (meaning more than the average 3-5 seconds that an orgasm brings). What happened to taking time for one's self?

Betty Dodson, artist and author of Sex for One (go buy this book NOW), speaks of the pleasure that 1-2 hour masturbation sessions can bring. And I argue that it is only through devoting time to yourself in a sexual way that you will learn to honour your body, know your desires and value the time that should be generously given to your sexual feelings and experiences.

I'm not blind to the fact that we don't all have 2 hours to lay around playing with our petals (and ohhh the hand cramps!) But I would like to question the benefits of Fasturbation - the goal oriented solo sex session.

I  coined the term "fasturbation" because I believe a distinction needs to be made between the process of pleasure and the pursuit of pleasurable release. What are the draw backs of "outcome structured touch" versus self-exploration? Do they even exist on the same plane, or should we comfortably accept that both hold merit and are beneficial in their own right?

When young boys are taught to get off before parents walk in, they train their bodies to respond fast. A consequence of this is they are not attuned to the details; unique processes in their body and mind that are manifesting. They may miss key sensations, or thoughts that could heighten self awareness and pleasure - a deeper more encompassing pleasure. Conversely they may experience anxiety when the outcome they are seeking is not going "as planned" or as expected. They are not attuned to mental or bodily processes that are preventing them from fully letting go, and instead, are wondering what is wrong with them.They have created a disconnect between mind and body...or mind and penis, to be exact. In fact there may even be a disconnect between body and penis.

As this boy becomes ready to engage in partnered activity he is burdened with the pressure to be "long lasting". He will likely, additionally, have a notion to get his penis involved in the play as quickly as possible (as it has been the sole focus of erotic energy) and negate other erogenous zones. However, paying attention to these other erogenous zones actually allows time for the (usually) female partner to reach a state of sufficient sexual arousal. Then, she then may desire a penis (perhaps inside of her).

Once inside of her, however, how does the boy train his mind and body to not respond "too quickly" - to be long lasting (aka what apparently constitutes a good male lover)? He thinks about unsexy things. In this moment he is not attuned to the sexual activity, or his partner, or his own body and erotic mind. Indeed he is not attuned to his penis for that matter. He is denying them all in the name of sexual performance. And how is this sexually pleasureable?

To me this seems an unfulfilling sexual experience and a whole lot of work to go through to experience the outcome (orgasm). Men I know have reacted to this dissonence in extreme ways by finding sexual activity unappealing and even stressful; it brings so much anxiety just to achieve a quick release. Porn becomes the true partnered activity for them.

Women too, I believe, are suffering from the expectation of a "quick" release. While this may be something that is possible for them during their alone moments, once they are with a partner (usually male), there is the pressure to not take too long. They know that their male partner can get off quickly, and further that they, as females, should not be too sexually interested anyway (but should be orgasmically responsive). This mentality causes them to feel guilty that they are taking up too much of their partners time, efforts and patience. Their personal pleasure is not being valued.

Many women internalise the message that masturbation is so shameful that they either don't engage in it at all - or they do it so quickly so as to almost not acknowledge it happened. Again, this teaches women to not learn what their body and mind need for arousal. Women will sometimes associate sex with displeasure and even pain due to the fact that they are advancing through the stages too fast and their bodies are not ready.

Sex should be fun, fulfilling and pleasurable. Sex should be seen as a way to enjoy a partner (or yourself) and release stress too. It should not be a source of anxiety or discomfort for either men or women.

But these are the cautionary tales (and I acknowledge they may be stereotypical and heteronormative).

Fasturbation certainly is not all negative. Sometimes it's a great way to go to sleep, perk up your 15 minute work break, or just expel yourself of all that sexual buildup that was causing you more distraction than enticement. And for some, maybe fasturbation is a way to even reduce the anxiety that they take "a long time" during sexual encounters with partners. Some may feel that training the body to "speed" up is actually liberating. And that's all ok.

My hope is this entry makes people think about what they want out of sex and self touch and to not confuse the outcome as the ultimate pleasure and accomplishment. Use sex and self touch as a way to explore desires, sensations, strokes and fantasies. Use it as a way to meditate on self pleasure, personal sexual value and treating thyself well and lovingly and erotically.

Fasturbation is always there when you're in a time pinch - it is the microwave dinner, if you will. But remember that microwave dinners, when mistaken for a gourmet meal, leaves you feeling undernourished, and as if you didn't get your full money's worth.

E