I'm all a twitter!

Yes, You read correctly. I have twitter now. You can find me at @sxltychallenge

That's how much I know about twitter (for now), but my friend recommended I get it and I complied (consensually, of course). After all, trying new things is great. As is a bit of twitter style exhibitionism.

Truthfully, I will be using this as a platform to connect myself (and you) more professionally but also to keep my fingers on the pusle of cultural affairs in sexuality. This way I can write about it with more up to date information, but also hopefully more directly and effectively challenge discourses by tweeting my commentary :)

I welcome you to follow me and get a more "live action" experience of what it's like to critically engage in the re-construction of sexuality!

E.

Compassionate Love

Can giving up sex make sex better?

Well if absence makes the heart grow fonder, then why can't abstinence make the loins throb longer?

As someone in a long distance relationship I sort of assumed that the distance would result in explosive sex upon reunion with my loved one, but to my confusion it didn't and I've been on a mission ever since to understand why. After all, going a few days without touching your bits usually results in a buzzing so audible to those around you that you need to take extra long shower time to calm your, erm, nerves.

Research on sexual motives suggests that after a certain amount of time in a relationship, however, we switch from "passionate love" to more "companionate love" possibly explaining why, after weeks without my Boo (no I do not actually call him that), I don't feel that insane build up that characterises hot sex. But it doesn't seem very fair that around the "scientifically identified 3 year mark" in a relationship I cease to want to rip the clothes off him... or me....or well even open up my toy box either. Just because I have reached a new level in my relationship doesn't mean my body stops releasing sex hormones. So why is it that so many men and women are experiencing this shift in sexual urge when they "settle down"?

The book Sex at Dawn explores our (non) monogamous nature and offers up suggestions as to why we may feel bored and even uninspired by the idea of sex with our partners (such as a biological need to copulate with many many people for social cohesion reasons to name just one example). However, for the bunch of us who are currently monogamous, author Esther Perel (who wrote Mating in Captivity) offers up practical adivice like suggesting that we need to, every so often, remove ourselves from the comforts of relationships if we want to rekindle our sexual fire.

So it's not abstinence by itself that makes the loins start to ache - it must be coupled with an absence of heart (aka comfort and companionship). I may not see my boyfriend frequently, but our embarassingly cheesy texting has created a breeding ground that further reinforces the fact that we are companions not passionate lovers. Likewise, you may see your lover on a daily basis and kiss and hug and touch, and think refraining from sex is a way to rev your engine but  what you are doing is filling your love tank with so much companionate affection that you reduce the very need for passionate affection.

It appears as if the safer your partner seems, the less appealing they are as sexual partners (we know their bathroom habits, they saw us pick our nose...and now we need to get turned on??) I guess that;s why "women like bad boys" and "men like bitches" (and P.S I don't believe that crap but it serves to support a point). And I suppose, without the comforts of things like mutual respect, all you are left with is that natural urge to screw.

So realtionships I have decided are kind of like an fuel efficient hybrid car. Sure you use less of that expensive and polluting gas (i.e arguments, anxiety)... but if you dont keep enough in your tank for emergencies (like when the electric part goes bust), you can't expect to get very far!

The same can be said for love and sex. Have you ever noticed how that couple who fights alllll the time is having mind blowing sex? It turns out sometimes a fight is worth a little make up nookie (provided you faight fair). But you need to remember you are a hybrid car - where balance is key; too much fighting isn't healthy, but neither is too much comfort. The truth is, at some point way down the road, you'll go through a period when you won't like your partner very much and thus that whole "companionate love" thing isn't going to save your relationship. But, contrary to popular belief, the sex might! (That's advice straight from my parents who are going on over 35 years of blissful marriage). Basically, boredom doesn't beget good banging. But good banging can keep that relationship boat afloat when the waters get murkey.

So it's not the physical distance between you and your partner, but rather the emotional distance that fine tunes the sexual relationship. I say, regardless of the years under your relationship belt, there is always room for companionate and passionate love. I call it "compassionate love"! This means having the compassion to know when to give all that mind numbing cutsiness and affection a break in favor of letting the fire build. But also having the compassion to back off from the fight and give eachother that throwdown you've been waiting for. And then you can cuddle.

E

Boys and Their Toys

I recently gave my boyfriend a sex toy (and ooooh I just told the world) - what a scandal!  Men have often been excluded from the joys of sex toys by either being labelled as pervy or desperate when perusing sex shops. Heaven forbid they admit to owning (and liking) their new love glove! But why is it so taboo?

Sex toys have a lot to offer - and not just to women. Studies from the Kinsey Institute (aka the holy grail of sexuality research) have examined men and women's sex toy habits and research from the University of Guelph that was recently presented at a national sexuality conference, shows that sex toys can actually enhance men's sexual experiences with their partners. Men report increases in sexual pleasure thanks to the heightened sensations on their erogenous zones and from the elements of fun/novelty/variety that a toy brings to their sexual experience. Furthermore, when incorporating toys into their coupled sessions, men found that their partner's increased enjoyment actually made sex that much more pleasurable for them too. And if that wasn't enough, men felt sex toys were a stimulous that encouraged them to be more in touch with their sexuality and initiate more open communication with their partners about their sexual styles, needs and desires. Overall, sex toys actually increased intimacy! (Dear lawmakers....the "legal limit" of vibrators in certain states was ridiculous before, but is even more ridiculous now given these new findings. Just sayin).

Solo use of sex toys is not just a replacement activity for men who "can't get laid" just as vibrator use for women is not just because "their lovers can't satisfy them". I'm not even sure where those stereotypes came from, but I do know that they detract from the real gift of toys - which is the additional pleasure on top of the already awesome chocolate cake that is sex or masturbation.

I won't ask my partner to publically report on his experience with his new toy, but I feel safe to assume that our trial runs set him up for an exciting exploratory journey with his sexuality. And as a girlfriend, this is something I highly encourage. When your partner is eager to be open and sexual and knows exactly how they want to be pleasured, the guess work is taken out of the picture, and you are left with so much more time on your *erm..hands* to put that information to good use.

E

Sex Ed: It Starts With You

Where did you first learn about sex? Who were your greatest influences/ teachers/ mentors?

A lot of us come to understand our sexuality rather unconsciously. Aside from the "health ed" classes in junior high where we learn the parts of the anatomy, how babies are made and what diseases will be our fate if we actually decide to put any of this knowledge into practice, a lot of us don't really stop to think about what we were taught about sex and relationships. And often, not having had the chance to stop and reflect, made our sexual choices sometimes unfulfilling.

Our sexual morals and values are not innate - they are given to us and developed and cultivated over time. We are faced with challenges to these biases and assumptions, we experiment with ourselves and others, and ultimately we set ourselves on a path that hopefully feels "right" and fulfilling to us. The degree of how easy it is to find our sexual path has a lot to do with how strongly we adopted the messages of those that taught us about sex; how convincing they were or how much they guilt tripped us and played off our fears to set us on a path chosen by them.

Parents, religious mentors, siblings and teachers actively try and teach us about sexuality. It is usually one, or a combination of these, that shape our values around sexuality. But it is often the media and our peers that truly influence our behaviors and actions. And if the two aren't congruent we can end up with a lot of shame, confusion and dissonance in terms of our sexuality.

I'm not advocating for an overhaul of the media to be more in line with religion or our parents - and I'm not saying parents or teachers should support what is being portrayed in the media. But I do believe that everyone needs to start working together - or at least paying attention, critically, to where children and youth learn about sexuality and have open conversations about it. Ask your child what they know and where they learned it. Ask them what they feel about how their friends treat sexuality. Ask them what message the media is telling them about their bodies and their gender - and if they feel it suits them. Ask them what they hope to achieve in future relationships, and if you feel it is age appropriate, ask them what they hope their healthy sexuality looks like. Don't be afraid to have conversations about sex that touch on very deep moral issues, or religion, gender roles, and pleasure. It is only through this honest and open communication that a child will feel safe enough to come to you for answers when the messages are getting confusing.

I believe these conversations are not just a place to impart your values around sexuality - but are also the first step in breeding autonomy and confidence around issues of sexuality. So many adolescents and college students today are still to afraid to buy, let alone ask their partner to use, contraception. Even more don't fully understand how the body works and what to expect from sex, not just physically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually. This lack of confidence stems from lack of knowledge and a lack of safety surrounding gaining that knowledge. It is further impeded by myths about gender roles. Myths like "women who like sex are sluts" and "men who don't like sex are not real men" and "your popularity as a guy or girl, depends on how sexually pleasing and/or active you are".  And it has dire consequences; unfulfilling or painful sexual experiences, fear, unplanned pregnancy, economic stress, sexually transmitted disease and sexual coercion, assault or bullying.

Having open and attentive talks about sex with youth does not make them more likely to engage in sexual behaviors - but it does help them do it safely and enjoyably, when they are ready. More importantly, having established lines of communication will ensure that important morals and values around sexuality do not fall on deaf ears. While your children may not choose to adopt the same morals and values as you, you will at least feel confident that they explored them thoughtfully and with adequate information, rather than dismissing them to ensure they "fit in" with the ever burdening pressures of the media and their peers.

So ask yourself: Is a 14 year old mature enough to make their own decisions about sex?

Well, how have you prepared them? That will answer your question.

I believe with the proper and accurate information medically, biologically and holistically (meaning honest answers regarding the emotional, mental and physical realities of sex (including pleasure!!), anyone is mature enough to make decisions about sex.

And if you still aren't convinced, let me put it this way: If a 14 year old made the decision not to have sex, would we stop and say "oh you are too young and not mature enough to make that decision - after all you don't know what sex is like"? I doubt it. Maturity to make decisions about sex isn't about forbidding sexual activity - it is also knowing that you have taught them how to confidently say no to sex amongst rising pressures to engage in it. But it is also trusting that, when ready, they can engage in sex and have a pleasurable, fun, safe and fulfilling experience on their own terms. The dirty little secret about sex, is that it isn't dirty at all. It is natural. But until we open up and share stories about this human act that created each and every one of us, we are going to be riddled with fear, confusion and ultimately unable to fully express this very important side of ourselves.



E

The Other F Word

It's hard to talk about sexuality without mentioning the F word. Not that one. Feminism, I mean. Feminism has been a part of my life since I was an 11 year old bopping along to the Spice Girls, learning to embrace the idea of Girl Power. For me, the notion that girls we're cool, popular, awesome, and worthy was, surprisingly, something new. Countless years of elementary taunts to "not be such a girl" or to "pull up the skirt" instilled in me the sense that being a woman was to receive the boobie prize in life. Girls couldn't play sports, they cried too much, and if any girl in my peer group had any ambition beyond "being cute and having boys like her", it was the desire to be at least just like a boy so as to achieve semi -equal admiration. Clearly, the female traits we were socially constructed to display weren't worth shit in the real world.

Along come the Spice Girls and other female pop stars that drastically changed the narrative for a young female like myself. They touted messages of "strength", "Independence", and "power" which were very influential in me developing a sense of female pride. But what I didn't know was that something was going on under the surface that was cleverly targeting the female youth demographic and it has had some very damaging repercussions for the status of women today.

Gone are notions of female pride, power and potential, and in their place exists a discourse that women's sole value derives from her sexual marketability (aka her ability to successfully please and pleasure a man). Ironically, the very pop stars that I idolised as a pre-teen were the catalysts to a patriarchal paradigm that completely shifted women from "person" to "object". I believe this was the beginning of the commercialisation of women's oppression through the guise of sexual empowerment, and the subsequent sexualisation of female power. This was a deadly combination that has resulted in a hefty rejection of Feminism by today's generation.

"I'm not a feminist, but...." is a phrase that has increased in popularity by youth who desire the have the same status, rights, pay, treatment and value that are afforded to the men in our society, but don't wish to join the fight to achieve it. I believe the sexualisation of girls and women has had a direct hand in creating this "fear of feminism". Aside from the cliched stereotypes that feminists are hairy legged, Birkenstock wearing, man-hating lesbians, there exists a real trepidation to identify as a feminist due to the fact that women, and girls, for once in their lives are finally being seen and supposedly "fitting in" with the status quo. To ask for more (progress) would certainly be seen as greedy and selfish and no doubt would result in a backlash for women everywhere. After all, at no time in Western history have women had more "status" than they do today. But it's a false status: Women may have better job opportunities, but they are STILL payed 20% less, STILL do the majority of the unpaid household work and STILL are subject to (and blamed for) any sexual harassment or assault that comes their way (frequently).

Yet women believe they have more power than ever - to the point where we have "moved beyond a need for feminism".

It's clear to me that someone high up in the hierarchy of social commands made the clever decision to sell to young women an image of power that would blind their notions of inequity, and make it literally impossible to ever achieve true power in the current gender climate. All while leading them to believe that they were making progress. That's right - someone planted a Trojan horse into feminism and now we have an army of young women fighting to achieve the highest of patriarchal subjugations. Behold a false sense of power based solely on women's bodies and sexual potential. And young men and women are buying into it.

If you flip through a magazine, listen to popular radio or watch any TV show or movie you will be bombarded with images of beautiful women in undeniably sexy outfits, poses or situations. Our pop stars strip down, shake their asses and sing lyrics that play into men's deepest fantasies. The poses are incredibly passive, the lyrics are incredibly submissive and serving, and the clothes...well sometimes there just aren't any. I've come to the point where I can't tell whether a pop star is a porn star or a singer if I were to do a google search. It's clear these women are not being valued for their talent but rather for their ability to turn a guy on. And young girls are taking note: The increase in popularity of "rainbow parties", to the prevalence of sexting naked photos of yourself casually to your male classmates, to the horrifying Twitter storm of girls saying about Chris Brown: "I would let him beat me, I don't know why Rihanna complained". Clearly girls are rejecting their own sense of safety and sexual autonomy to be popular, desired, loved. To be acknowledged.

And the sexualisation of female power doesn't stop there. When it comes to strong women like pro-athletes, we hear more about who's posing for playboy than what spectacular play they made. Female athletes no longer have skill, but rather sexual marketability. As well, our superheros have become  overly pornographied; Lara Croft and Cat Woman are no longer figures of strength but rather of sex appeal. Indeed the oppression has leaked into the highest of ranks: Take our political leaders such as Hillary Clinton or Michelle Obama. Both women have made incredible advances as humans, as members of society, yet are continuously subject to scrutiny over their outfits, their hair, their makeup. It would appear that Hillary's political worth is based on her appearance alone. Further we are told women's main objective in life shouldn't be to make progress or policy, but rather to achieve arms that are as toned as Michelle's.

So what is the message being sold to our female youth?  Strive to achieve the beauty ideal. Strive for nothing else. Because it is ONLY through achieving maximum sexiness that you will be seen, heard, remembered, desired, and valued. Sexuality = power. The subtext of this message is the plea for women to not attempt to makepolicy or progress lest they succeed in finally challenging the status quo.

And the message is working. The beauty ideals are so unattainable, and the stakes so high, women will stop at nothing (vaginoplasty anyone?) to be seen as "fuckable". This leaves little room to fight for change. And since the alternative of being "fuckable" is to be invisible* we aren't willing to take the risk. We fought so damn hard for women to be acknowledged that we refuse to let it slip through our fingers.

But power is not in our fingers anymore.  In fact these unattainable ideals (aka the prospect of having absolutely no worth otherwise) has created a perfect breeding ground that maintains a culture where men profit and women pay. And if women  really are so exhasuted trying to achieve unattainable beauty (aka " sexual power") that they don't have time left over to fight for things that really could make a difference for women in the world, it looks as if we will be subject to the burden of patriarchy for many years to come.  Women have become so scrutinised over their bodies, and have developed deep insecurities as a result, it's no wonder fewer and fewer women are signing up for highly visible political positions in society. Afterall, it would only guarentee her endless torment and bullying. Yet the fewer women we have in charge, the less progress we make.

Clearly the commercialisation of women's oppression through the sexualisation of  female power has worked; increasingly we are rejecting notions of feminism as a "necessity of the past". Our society truely believes that the increased sexual visibility of women is an indication that we have achieved equal status in society. But I'm not buying it and I know for certain that this is NOT what the women of the sexual liberation movement were fighting for.

So where do we stand now? In a context where women's rights are actually decreasing, Feminism has become a four letter word. But it needs to be re-vived! How can we, as a collective (men, women, trans), come together and redefine what it means to be a strong, powerful women, person, in society worthy of equality? How can we ensure feminine characteristics are just as valuable in society as masculine characteristcs so that all genders can freely express the whole spectrum of their personality? How can we reclaim our sexuality, our beauty, our sexiness, and our desire to be desired without it being soley constructed through, and for, the male gaze?

It begins with YOU. Within you lies the next, crucial, wave of feminism. Contrary to what so many of today's generation has been told, change doesn't actually always come in the form of angry, hairy-legged, man eaters.  But if it does, that's great too, because right now we need all the change we can get!

E

* Please see the documentaries Sexy Inc. and Sext Up Kids for this reference.

Sex sells

I have spent the last month in a deep relationship meditation. Actually, I might admit that I have spent all the days of my entire sexual and dating history in a constant state of rumination. You see, the pressure in society to "exist and perform" in a relationship to a certain standard runs so deep it has pervaded even the most critical of minds: my own. And it has had a profound impact on my happiness.

Media and popular culture sells to us particular notions of what a healthy and happy relationship and sex life should look like. These messages are so forceful that it almost guarantees relationship misery if that ideal is not attained. We spend our days thinking about our relationship and whether it measures up. The problem is that for some people (most people), this ideal is far to reach. Even more likely, the status of their sexual or romantic relationship - if considered in a vacuum - is actually something of great pleasure and satisfaction to them. However, that pleasure and satisfaction becomes so trampled by the forces of societal expectations that their happiness is decreased.

It's a shame that perfectly enjoyable relationships or sexual experiences can become sources of great disappointment through the simple act of comparison. It's a wonder anyone is satisfied these days. I personally have struggled to make sense of my own relationship by asking friends what to do and expect, by searching google about other people's experiences, and by looking to my parents to model what is "normal" aka "satisfying". But when was the last time I stopped to ask myself, "does my relationship make ME happy?"

I caught myself complaining the other day that my partner and I were too "childish". We had too much fun, laughed a little too much, joked around during sex, felt too at ease with each other. We must be in trouble, I thought. Where is that fiery passion? That intense longing? Never mind we have reached a state where we feel so safe and comfortable around each other and truly "get" each other. A healthy relationship - as sold to us by popular culture - is actually one signified by discomfort. My partner and I have too much comfort to be happy it seems.

We are told a good relationship worthy of pursuing must have enough anxiety that you wait by the phone, get overflowed with happiness (relief) when s/he calls, and have been so uncertain about the status of the affair that when sex is on the plate, it's an insatiable force that literally takes over your body, your mind and whatever activity you happened to be paying attention to at the time (think: throwing your papers and computer off the desk and making love right on top of it). I don't know about you, but in real life that computer costs a lot and my first thought is "this is not a comfortable place for sex". Does that mean I don't have a very fulfilling relationship? Has it run it's course? Am I denying myself a sexual satisfaction that everyone else seems to be having but me? I don't think so.

Author Esther Perel, of Mating in Captivity fame, captures this insecurity held by so many couple who claim the flame has burnt out. Now all they are left with is deep, nurturing love and blissful companionship. There is no discomfort. What a shame. Perel seeks to help them feel alive in the relationship again. But she reminds us that feeling alive means trading some of that stability for uncertainty and that could be a huge risk to take.

I'm not knocking Perel's book - in fact I adore it and I recommend it for couples who do want to add the spice back in.  I believe spice is an important element in relationships and that too much comfort can signify death in the bedroom (and given we are sexual creatures, this lack of "zing" can potentially result in an unfulfilling experience). But what concerns me is that spice, zing, fire, or passion seems to supersede other important qualities like, support, stability, compassion and yes, even respect in some cases. The activities of the bedroom are more important than the activities of the entire relationship.

Too many of my friends lately have been telling me about intense love affairs which seem to flame out a few months later and leave them dumbfounded; "he was perfect", "I was so in love" they would lament. But what was bubbling under the surface was that he didn't treat them right - he left them in a constant state of arousal (aka anxiety) and this feeling, due to popular media's obsession with sexual passion, lead them to believe they had finally found "the one".

Why is it that we have begun to associate love, a rather profound experience, with the anxiety or "butterfly" feeling that comes with a new and uncertain relationship? Discomfort has been repackaged as "lust" and "lust" has been repackaged as "love" and this "lust/love" feeling has become the marker of relationship and sexual success. Elaborate sexual scenarios, pornstar-esque sexual performances and an upsetting amount of orgasm fakery has become "the new sexual ideal". Raise your hand if your sex life is sooooooo good because you are simply putting on a brilliant show? Ask yourself if it is actually enjoyable to you or if the ability to brag to friends about your sexual prowess is merely a substitute for a sexual emptiness that can only be fulfilled when your needs are met and not societies.

The reason these images and ideals are sold to us is to keep us in a state of sexual insecurity. The prospect of  "discomfort" is a huge marketing strategy; there is a reason sex is used to sell every product from bacon to basketballs. It is because it is the one construct that presents such an unattainable ideal that people will be willing to buy whatever product promises that perfect sexual outcome. That beer will give you the hottest girl, that eyeliner will guarantee you sexual worship, that IKEA kitchen set will ensure that you will have hot passionate sex right on the counter. If you buy these things, you will finally get the sexual and relationship fulfillment that society says you should strive for and ultimately, the right kind of sex will finally bring you happiness. The underlying subtext, of course, is that you must not be happy with what you have right now. And so we begin to meditate on it....what are we missing? where did we go wrong? 

What would happen if we said "no thanks"? If we stopped and simply became ensconced in our own sexual and relationship solitude? What if we agreed to define our own boundaries, create our own parameters of happiness, satisfaction and fulfillment?

I know personally I have wasted a good 2.5 years disappointed in a relationship that has given me more happiness, more calm, more fun, more love and more comfort that I have ever had, simply because I have been using someone else's template to measure my relationship's health. Twenty years from now when looks have faded, when kids are stressing me right out, when work isn't going as planned, sex on the new kitchen counter probably won't solve my problems. It might feel good - but what will feel better to me is knowing that I am in a relationship based on my own needs and levels of desire and that relationship is filling all of MY requirements for happiness. It is there for me when everything else is falling apart.

I can't say my friends will be unhappy - and I truly hope they aren't - but I think it's flawed to assume that a relationship built on respect, support, silliness and comfort - as opposed to sexual fire is something to be concerned about, as they keep telling me it is. It's the Sex and the City conundrum:  Modern women can (and should) have it all - looks, wealth, fame, popularity and most importantly, passion.  Stability equals boring. Comfort implies the relationship has gone stale. If you are comfortable, it means you have nothing left to strive for - and if you stop striving, what's the point of life? I argue that comfort and stability finally signifies that the relationship can begin. You can strive now to be a better you, a stronger unit - but you cannot strive to have a deeper relationship if it is built only on the fickleness of passion.

I keep reminding my friends of this when their latest conquest  breaks their heart again. Sexual fire, attraction and passion are important elements - but they are not to be confused with building a solid foundation in a relationship. A relationship built around passion is like a houseboat in a stormy sea - exciting but uncertain and scary at times. Plus you can never guarantee where you will dock. A house built on solid ground may seem boring to some but allows you to choose the design,  choose the decor and choose the location to suit your needs - and pending any major natural disasters - it is generally a safe haven. Remember, it is your completely customizable home, but if you build it using someone else's blueprint, you are guaranteed to be disappointed.

I beg you to not spend all your time meditating on your relationship and to simply start living it. Nothing will ruin your bliss quicker that constantly analyzing and critiquing what needs to be fixed and the standard achieved (or to be achieved), while the elements you love (arguably the one's that are making the relationship work in the first place) are being shoved on a shelf and forgotten. We need to stop being the culture that strives to constantly "improve", and begin to be the culture that seeks to enjoy and appreciate. It's NOT broken. It doesn't need fixing.

E

Desire, Distress and Dysfunction

We live in a culture that seems to value sex more than anything (except money I suppose), so it’s no surprise that, more and more, research is leaning towards examining sexual functioning in men and women. While I don’t object to the need to better understand the experiences and aetiologies of sexual problems in individuals in order to promote more pleasurable and fulfilling sexualities, I do have a growing concern about the discourse of negativity and pathologization that surrounds this research. More importantly, I am aware of the impact that this can have on the perceptions of one’s own experiences as healthy/ or unhealthy and how that in turn can greatly affect our sexual satisfaction.

Upcoming changes to the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) have begun to recognise that the definition of a sexual problem needs to account for the individual’s experience of that sexual “problem”. A questionnaire that says “you don’t orgasm as much as the status quo” is not an accurate measure of sexual functioning if the individual is perfectly happy with their orgasmic frequency. Sexual pleasure is not created and defined equally across individuals – nor should it be.

The problem, however, is these changes might be too late; the moral panic has begun it’s trajectory and in a culture that is so concerned about other’s perceptions of them (to the extent that they get bits of their labia snipped off or skin grafted to their penis to live up to a perceived ideal), I fear individuals will do anything to make sure they are performing sexually either as well as, or better than, their neighbors.

More frightening, is that the focus on sexual problems has direct financial underpinnings which further serves to fuel the panic. Pharmaceutical companies benefit greatly from a culture that believes it is dysfunctional and is willing to buy a pill to ensure a quick fix. In fact, not too many years ago, the term “female sexual dysfunction” was coined by a pharmaceutical company that was manufacturing an erection pill for men that failed. So they created a new clientele – and the disease to go with it, all to ensure they could sell their product.  

Just like we think our house is too small, our car too old, our clothes too unfashionable, our boobs too saggy, our wallet too thin, and our penis too floppy – we too have now begun to think our sex isn’t as good. And let me tell you a secret, it’s NOT. But not because we have begun to fail sexually, but because we have begun to fail ourselves by discounting our sexual independence.   

Sexual desire, arousal, orgasm, duration, frequency, activities, positions, pleasure, fantasies – the list could go on – are all unique personal experiences.  You don’t have sex like your neighbor, your best friend, your idol, your parents or even your twin. So why are you measuring your sexual success – your sexual SATISFACTION – by someone else’s standard? Our growing concerns with measuring up to an arbitrary ideal has robbed us of the personal embodiment of our sexuality. Our sex lives are, and were, perfectly fine. Until we were told they weren’t good enough. That’s why I think it is incredibly important to be conscious of your own sexual desires and needs and to measure your sexual health using only those parameters. If you are feeling sexual distress, ask yourself if it is because you experienced something distressing (trauma, a major life change, a relationship shift, or a medical concern) or if it is because someone planted the idea in your head that if you aren’t paralleling a particular sexual script, you are dysfunctional.

It is critically important to make this distinction as you may require medical or psychological attention (and I highly recommend you seek it if you think it would help you), or you may just need a reality check: YOU. ARE. JUST. FINE (believe me)!

The reason sex isn’t as “good” is because we are no longer appreciating our individual experiences -  not because it isn’t as good spiritually, emotionally, mentally or physically. Let's put it this way: If you really, really, really like mayonnaise with your grilled cheese, and were told you were “abnormal” because “healthy” people eat it with ketchup, chances are the guilt, confusion and self-monitoring are going to hinder your appetite for grilled cheese. And for what benefit? So the makers of ketchup can make a buck? Would you seek ways to fix your grilled cheese habit – or would you say, “Hold up. I like mayonnaise, it satisfies me, so it doesn’t matter how anyone else eats it”! Time to reclaim your grilled cheese - and your sexual satisfaction!

Until we learn to appreciate our own sexual experiences – sex will not be as good, as satisfying, as it was when it was simply a matter of achieving our personal tastes and savoring the sexual flavors that wet our pallet.

Coming soon: Desire, Distress and Dysfunction part II: Why women think they are sexually abnormal because they don’t have the same sex drive as their husband, especially after they took care of the kids all day, cleaned the house, got the groceries, feel fat and ugly because they saw Megan Fox in a bikini and read a news article that claimed healthy women should be able to have G spot orgasms in a snap…. and how all this is INSANE (but a new clitoral cream can erase all of these worries and turn you into a nymphomaniac sex kitten so you can please your man, outshine your peers, and feel like you are a normal woman again. It may even help you win the lottery and meet Brad Pitt)!

Home is where the heart is.

How is sexuality like a house?

When we are kids, we learn basic ways of relating to the world around us. Any fuzzy animal with four legs is a dog - (regardless of whether it's actually a cat, a goat or a rabbit). We are praised for our keen observation, and then shown ways to expand our perceptions to include the diversity of fuzzy animals with four legs.

When our motor skills are more developed, many kids enjoy dabbling in the fine arts and will create masterpieces of "my family and our house" to be hung on the fridge when they get home from school. A child is usually taught that a house can be depicted with a large square containing two windows on the front, a rectangular door and a triangle roof. Parents and teachers feel no pressure to tell them that in actuality houses come in many different shapes, sizes and constructions because they trust that when they get older they will be exposed to an array of different housing structures and naturally come to understand that "a house" carries many forms and meanings. As an adult such simplistic assumptions of what constitutes the "appropriate" criteria for a house will be eagerly dismissed, making way for modern, even "art-like" avant garde representations of houses to be showcased and sold to the lucky few who can afford them (google images of upside down houses, tree houses, underground houses, glass houses, and even hobbit houses).

While, as kids, we may have been told to draw a house a certain way, as we grew older we were no longer limited to the rigid way we first came to understand what "a house" means. Indeed, as an adult in search of our first home, we recognize that houses come in an infinite number of forms and varieties simply because there exists infinite aesthetic, functional and structural needs and preferences to be met and satisfied.

Why is it then, that we are still so bound in terms of what we think sexuality is? Especially with regards to what is understood and taught as "healthy" sexuality, "appropriate" sexual activity and the "best" relational structure in which to engage in the former. If we can see the need to create a tailored (housing) structure to contain us, why are we so contained by the (societal) structure that houses us? 

Just like houses that may take on numerous forms (highrise condo, beach house, apartment, multi-family dwellings), so to do relationships and sexualities. Houses can come in different sizes and designs, be set in different locations, use different materials, contain different elements and contents, and serve different purposes. And as a society we accept this (and if you love HGTV programming as much as I do, you would argue we even celebrate this). We certainly did not grow up and try to make all of our houses conform to a certain norm or standard with disregard to the multitude of needs that exist in the world (in all my travels, I actually have never found a single home that looks like the stereotypical child's drawing, and trust me I've been keenly searching). Frankly it would be ridiculous to assume everyone in the world would be happy in a two bedroom, split level home in suburban southern Canada. Instead, we made our structures conform to us. What began as a foundational way of conceptualizing a house as a kid, got expanded upon and developed in to a rich understanding of the multiple ways that one thing (a home) can manifest.

So why haven't we let our minds grow and expand to understand the multiple ways one thing (a human being) can manifest as well?

With respect to sexuality and relationships, like houses, one size does not fit all! There exists a spectrum of sexual identities (LGBT is just the beginning and yes, asexuality is an identity), a variety of relationship designs and structures (polyamoury, polyfidelity, monogamy, monogamish, swinging etc.), and an even more diverse utopia of needs and preferences when it comes to sexual activities (I'll let you google those on your own time).

My point is when it comes to the sexual education of our kids and future generations, why are we limiting them to the square house with one door, two windows and a triangular roof when so much diversity exists? Sure, you want to give them a good foundation to base their explorations and self-identity development on - but instead of "heterosexuality, monogamy, and sex after marriage", I think we should be using more eco-friendly materials like "high self-esteem, acceptance and respect for others, healthy body image, and personal, relational and sexual autonomy".

If we can give our kids the tools they need build something safe, then we needn't worry about what design they choose in order to feel fulfilled and live happily.

E

Speak up!

I got a bad haircut the other day that reminded me of the importance of good communication, and especially of speaking up about what you want (and what you don't want). Coincidentally, after my disappointing hair do, I was privy to a situation with my roommate that bordered on her being critical and inflexible - perhaps speaking up TOO much.

I would argue there is no place more important to practice good communication than in relationships; especially those that end up in the bedroom (or backseat, or shower or swingers club). But a fine line must be towed between speaking up and nagging.

Still recovering from a superficial depression regarding my appearance (the result of not speaking up), I decided to take stock of my sexual communication skills to see if I was practicing good ethics - respect (for self and others), honesty and sensitivity. I realised, to my horror, I was mostly practicing blame, but dressing it up as "a good feminist take charge attitude". When it came to my sexual needs and desires, I had a healthy dose of self-respect, but I was nagging, not supporting. Ignoring two important communication ethics - sensitivity and respect for others, and placing all my energy on honesty, created an environment that made it difficult for my partner to speak up in order to get his needs and desires fulfilled, and to feel good about himself. Rather than resulting in a satisfying sexuality for myself or my partner, we were both feeling damaged and inadequate.

So what does good communication and speaking up look like?

It begins with self-respect and ends with respect for others. I was more concerned about my hairstylist's feelings than my own, that I bit my tongue. I was uncomfortable about creating an awkward situation or upsetting her. Having a healthy self-respect means believing that you are worthy of asking for and receiving what you want and not placing the other person's feelings and comfort above your own. Having respect for others means trusting the person is mature and strong enough to hear your criticism, and use it as a learning and growing opportunity.

The perils of not speaking up include at best, a disappointing sexual encounter (or haircut), and at worst a possible experience of sexual trauma. (Please note: I am not suggesting sexual trauma happens because people don't say anything -  sexual trauma is awful and unfortunately happens despite having a strong voice and fighting back). Occasionally, however, an individual may feel very insecure about saying "I do not wish to proceed" or "I would like things to change" and thus engages in an unwanted encounter to spare the other person's feelings. This other person was not given the opportunity to stop or slow down, nor were they afforded the ability to learn what it will take to please the individual. Not speaking up creates a sexual cycle where you are not feeling fulfilled and are becoming increasingly worried that it's too late to say something, meanwhile your partner is perfecting the wrong skills and techniques.

Developing the beliefs that a) your needs, interests and desires are important (aka YOU are important) and b) that your partner is mature, supportive and open minded, will result in a stronger communicative bond where you both feel safe to engage in a mutually satisfying sexual encounter.

Then there is the flip side: Abusing the open communication by hijacking the other partner's voice (aka speaking up so much that only your needs are able to be met). Good communication should involve a flow of multiple perspectives, healthy compromise and flexibility. If you find that you feel so strongly about the importance of yourself and your needs, I suggest you stop and examine whether you are still giving space to others.

It is an awful feeling to be constantly nagged. Rather than getting what you want, your constant demands actually result in the other partner(s) shutting down. Being bombarded with demands, tweaks of performance and high expectations puts so much pressure on the other partner(s), that sexual encounters may become a chore, a source of great anxiety or the relationship dynamic will start to reek of resentment. This person has become so attuned to pleasing you, that their own sexuality becomes neglected. They then begin to feel they aren't worthy enough (or it isn't safe enough) to speak up, further perpetuating the cycle of dissatisfaction. They do not see you as mature, supportive or open minded and do not see themselves as important.

Satisfying sexual encounters result when all parties involved have discussed and negotiated desires and expectations - and have made the effort to both please each other, and be pleased. Ignoring either your own, or your partner's pleasure, can only result in a negative experience and negative views towards sexual activity. It can further impact your relationship and self-schema.

I highly suggest that if you are experiencing difficulty either with sex, speaking up, finding self love/respect, or difficulty supporting or making space for others, to consider the benefits of personal, couple or sex therapy. A quick google search will offer you lots of choices in your area.

In the meantime - happy humping.

E

Fasturbation

Books, blogs and research tell of the benefits of masturbation; from release of sexual tension to release of stress and to aid in waking and sleeping. Masturbation is an excellent way to explore your sexuality, your likes, dislikes, desires and fantasies and an even better way to start to understand your body as a sexual organism.

But something is happening to masturbation. The process is being ignored - the curiosity, exploration, and meditation on the body is being skipped over in pursuit of the explosive end point - the Big "O".

When boys are sexually developing (and I would argue girls as well), the discovery of masturbation is both a source of great pleasure and shame. The desire to experience that euphoria is met with contradicting notions of guilt, and messages of propriety, appropriateness and privacy. What results is quick - let me emphasize that again - quick engagements in showers, closets, and under the covers. The uncertainty around whether this activity is something young boys and girls should be participating in has led them to forget the importance of  the journey of exploration and maturation. It encourages them to reach the finish line as fast as possible lest they get caught and experience the ensuing wrath.

Fast forward to the adult years, masturbation has for many become a means to an end. It's become FAST. I need to get off (before my partner gets home?), I need to get off, so I can fall asleep. I need to get off before I have to go to work, or before my lunch break is over. I need to get off to release this sexual anxiety. I need to get off because I am taking too long, I need to get off - to feel release. The message being: I need to get somewhere. The journey has been replaced by the destination.

Masturbation has become Fasturbation.

What happened to "I need to experience pleasure"? (meaning more than the average 3-5 seconds that an orgasm brings). What happened to taking time for one's self?

Betty Dodson, artist and author of Sex for One (go buy this book NOW), speaks of the pleasure that 1-2 hour masturbation sessions can bring. And I argue that it is only through devoting time to yourself in a sexual way that you will learn to honour your body, know your desires and value the time that should be generously given to your sexual feelings and experiences.

I'm not blind to the fact that we don't all have 2 hours to lay around playing with our petals (and ohhh the hand cramps!) But I would like to question the benefits of Fasturbation - the goal oriented solo sex session.

I  coined the term "fasturbation" because I believe a distinction needs to be made between the process of pleasure and the pursuit of pleasurable release. What are the draw backs of "outcome structured touch" versus self-exploration? Do they even exist on the same plane, or should we comfortably accept that both hold merit and are beneficial in their own right?

When young boys are taught to get off before parents walk in, they train their bodies to respond fast. A consequence of this is they are not attuned to the details; unique processes in their body and mind that are manifesting. They may miss key sensations, or thoughts that could heighten self awareness and pleasure - a deeper more encompassing pleasure. Conversely they may experience anxiety when the outcome they are seeking is not going "as planned" or as expected. They are not attuned to mental or bodily processes that are preventing them from fully letting go, and instead, are wondering what is wrong with them.They have created a disconnect between mind and body...or mind and penis, to be exact. In fact there may even be a disconnect between body and penis.

As this boy becomes ready to engage in partnered activity he is burdened with the pressure to be "long lasting". He will likely, additionally, have a notion to get his penis involved in the play as quickly as possible (as it has been the sole focus of erotic energy) and negate other erogenous zones. However, paying attention to these other erogenous zones actually allows time for the (usually) female partner to reach a state of sufficient sexual arousal. Then, she then may desire a penis (perhaps inside of her).

Once inside of her, however, how does the boy train his mind and body to not respond "too quickly" - to be long lasting (aka what apparently constitutes a good male lover)? He thinks about unsexy things. In this moment he is not attuned to the sexual activity, or his partner, or his own body and erotic mind. Indeed he is not attuned to his penis for that matter. He is denying them all in the name of sexual performance. And how is this sexually pleasureable?

To me this seems an unfulfilling sexual experience and a whole lot of work to go through to experience the outcome (orgasm). Men I know have reacted to this dissonence in extreme ways by finding sexual activity unappealing and even stressful; it brings so much anxiety just to achieve a quick release. Porn becomes the true partnered activity for them.

Women too, I believe, are suffering from the expectation of a "quick" release. While this may be something that is possible for them during their alone moments, once they are with a partner (usually male), there is the pressure to not take too long. They know that their male partner can get off quickly, and further that they, as females, should not be too sexually interested anyway (but should be orgasmically responsive). This mentality causes them to feel guilty that they are taking up too much of their partners time, efforts and patience. Their personal pleasure is not being valued.

Many women internalise the message that masturbation is so shameful that they either don't engage in it at all - or they do it so quickly so as to almost not acknowledge it happened. Again, this teaches women to not learn what their body and mind need for arousal. Women will sometimes associate sex with displeasure and even pain due to the fact that they are advancing through the stages too fast and their bodies are not ready.

Sex should be fun, fulfilling and pleasurable. Sex should be seen as a way to enjoy a partner (or yourself) and release stress too. It should not be a source of anxiety or discomfort for either men or women.

But these are the cautionary tales (and I acknowledge they may be stereotypical and heteronormative).

Fasturbation certainly is not all negative. Sometimes it's a great way to go to sleep, perk up your 15 minute work break, or just expel yourself of all that sexual buildup that was causing you more distraction than enticement. And for some, maybe fasturbation is a way to even reduce the anxiety that they take "a long time" during sexual encounters with partners. Some may feel that training the body to "speed" up is actually liberating. And that's all ok.

My hope is this entry makes people think about what they want out of sex and self touch and to not confuse the outcome as the ultimate pleasure and accomplishment. Use sex and self touch as a way to explore desires, sensations, strokes and fantasies. Use it as a way to meditate on self pleasure, personal sexual value and treating thyself well and lovingly and erotically.

Fasturbation is always there when you're in a time pinch - it is the microwave dinner, if you will. But remember that microwave dinners, when mistaken for a gourmet meal, leaves you feeling undernourished, and as if you didn't get your full money's worth.

E

What's with all the pink roses, romantic fonts and gooey hearts?

You may be asking these questions if you have just stumbled upon my blog.

I have to admit I certainly did when creating it.

Why the association of sexuality with pink and red, hearts and roses, lips, tongues, chocolate and candles? These were the images I had to choose from for the background layout of this blog.

It took me hours (literally) to decide what "message" I wanted to send out to my readers. It would appear I have settled on "sexuality = love, sensuality, romance" and, ultimately, "femininity". The problem is, this doesn't sit well with me.

So why did I choose them? Is it simply because of the familiarity of these signs and signifiers? Is it because these associations are comfortable, safe even?

Situating sexuality - something we see as powerful, overwhelming, confusing, dangerous, taboo and to be controlled - within the confined parameters of romantic, heteronormative discourse, allows the vast majority of public readers to feel at ease. Associating sexuality with femininity (aka passivity) ensures the reader that messages won't be too challenged. they won't feel uncomfortable, put on the spot, or left to feel unstable or uncertain after reading. Often people seek out sexuality blogs as a source of reassurance or comfort. Associations of love, romance, and intimacy serve this purpose, but furthermore, appear to legitimize the very expression of sexuality in a public forum.

The problem is, in making some feel safe, I am also (unhappily) exuding and isolating other readers. I explored other choices; what message would I have been sending had I chosen fireworks? The idea that sexuality should be explosive, passionate and firey perhaps? What about candles or chocolate? Sexuality must then equal slow, lingering sensuality. What about nature scenes? Would I be endorsing a notion that sexuality is natural? Serene? After all, what IS sexuality exactly? And can I really categorize it or pinpoint it in a way that applies unilaterally AND multi-dimensionally?

What happens to someone's sexual confidence and identity when these common descriptors/associations are NOT a part of their experiences of sexuality? What happens when our experience of sexuality deviates from the societal "safety zones" of intimate expression, reproduction, and opposite gender couplings? Why is it that I am frustratingly limited to these associations when wishing to describe and represent one of the most all encompassing elements of our lives?!

My Google image searches for sexuality featured "feminine" representations including curves, porcelain skin tones, closed eyes, pink lips - parted, waiting, passive. this was contrasted with more "masculine" images of gleaning muscles, women bent over or tied up and gagged, hard, erect, large throbbing members. What is it about feminine that implies "soft", "submissive" and "innocent" while masculinity reveals images of  power, control dominance. Can women not dominate, can men not be soft? Are men naturally sexual while women are merely sexualised?

It really made me wonder where these notions came from, why they continue to be packaged, sold and perpetuated, and what purpose do they still serve? Moreover, I began to become hyper-aware of what tone I was sending to my readers regarding sexuality, my beliefs, and even subconsciously if I was creating constructs and parameters around sexuality that may confine or restrict people.

In the end I settled on the pink, the hearts, the roses, the flowy romantic fonts not because I believe that's what sexuality is, nor because I want my blog to stay within the safety zone - indeed, I want the opposite! Of course I want you as a reader to feel safe and respected here, but the blog itself is about busting out of the safety zone, challenging the status quo and destabilizing our reliance on restrictive messages of sexuality. So I guess I just have to own up to the fact that I personally just love the look of hearts, roses, pink and loopy scriptures.

But I'll put out a challenge to you: I'd like you to think about the power of broadening our discourses and knowledge of sexuality. What other images can we use to expand the parameters of sexuality that will create a stimulating, yet still neutral zone, for people to explore. How would new imagery affect our understanding and experience as sexual beings? How would it affect our future socio-sexual climate? And how the hell should I design my blog????

E

Welcome

Welcome to The Sexuality Challenge. The purpose of this blog is to explore sexuality in depth and to invite critical thought and discussion. My aim is to raise important, perhaps controversial, questions pertaining to various aspects of sexuality including (but not limited to): culture, relationships, media, pleasure, sex, identity, religion, orientation, social ideology, discourse, education and knowledge.

Currently I hold the position of graduate student and teaching assistant, however I come to the table with an honors degree in psychology, a certificate in sexuality and gender studies,  as well as undergraduate experience in cultural studies, philosophy, performing arts and media studies. I will be approaching this blog the same way I approach my teaching and research, which is from a postmodern, critical feminist standpoint.

In this blog, I will not be claiming to know or perpetuate any "truths" or "realities" about sexuality or its related constructs. My goal is to simply explore sexuality in more depth, and hopefully deconstruct and challenge some notions that we have come to understand as "natural" and/or "normal".

While my background and future career aspirations are academic, I don't wish for this blog to be dry, stuffy or inaccessible. I write for newspapers and magazines and so I hope the tone of this blog carries with it a similar, albeit more deeply focused, sense of knowledge, wit and enthusiasm. Thus, I will be writing with a blend of personal experience, observation, curiosity, humor and humbleness to compliment academic insight. To add to this, part of what The Sexuality Challenge implies is that, not only will I be challenging popular myths about sexuality in everyday life, but I will also be challenging myself as a sexual being. My accounts of these personal challenges and experiences will be interwoven throughout this blog. 

I feel I should point out one final (unrelated) thing: I suck dealing with technology. This blog may not be the most aesthetically pleasing or easily navigated and I apologize for that.  I will stick to the writing for now and leave the layout to the pros (and since I don't employ "pros" it looks like the design and layout will remain as they are).

I look forward to your participation in this blog through discussion posts and comments. Please feel free to email me at any time at thesexualitychallenge@gmail.com should you have questions, concerns or thoughts.

Thanks for reading,
E