I have spent the last month in a deep relationship meditation. Actually, I might admit that I have spent all the days of my entire sexual and dating history in a constant state of rumination. You see, the pressure in society to "exist and perform" in a relationship to a certain standard runs so deep it has pervaded even the most critical of minds: my own. And it has had a profound impact on my happiness.
Media and popular culture sells to us particular notions of what a healthy and happy relationship and sex life should look like. These messages are so forceful that it almost guarantees relationship misery if that ideal is not attained. We spend our days thinking about our relationship and whether it measures up. The problem is that for some people (most people), this ideal is far to reach. Even more likely, the status of their sexual or romantic relationship - if considered in a vacuum - is actually something of great pleasure and satisfaction to them. However, that pleasure and satisfaction becomes so trampled by the forces of societal expectations that their happiness is decreased.
It's a shame that perfectly enjoyable relationships or sexual experiences can become sources of great disappointment through the simple act of comparison. It's a wonder anyone is satisfied these days. I personally have struggled to make sense of my own relationship by asking friends what to do and expect, by searching google about other people's experiences, and by looking to my parents to model what is "normal" aka "satisfying". But when was the last time I stopped to ask myself, "does my relationship make ME happy?"
I caught myself complaining the other day that my partner and I were too "childish". We had too much fun, laughed a little too much, joked around during sex, felt too at ease with each other. We must be in trouble, I thought. Where is that fiery passion? That intense longing? Never mind we have reached a state where we feel so safe and comfortable around each other and truly "get" each other. A healthy relationship - as sold to us by popular culture - is actually one signified by discomfort. My partner and I have too much comfort to be happy it seems.
We are told a good relationship worthy of pursuing must have enough anxiety that you wait by the phone, get overflowed with happiness (relief) when s/he calls, and have been so uncertain about the status of the affair that when sex is on the plate, it's an insatiable force that literally takes over your body, your mind and whatever activity you happened to be paying attention to at the time (think: throwing your papers and computer off the desk and making love right on top of it). I don't know about you, but in real life that computer costs a lot and my first thought is "this is not a comfortable place for sex". Does that mean I don't have a very fulfilling relationship? Has it run it's course? Am I denying myself a sexual satisfaction that everyone else seems to be having but me? I don't think so.
Author Esther Perel, of Mating in Captivity fame, captures this insecurity held by so many couple who claim the flame has burnt out. Now all they are left with is deep, nurturing love and blissful companionship. There is no discomfort. What a shame. Perel seeks to help them feel alive in the relationship again. But she reminds us that feeling alive means trading some of that stability for uncertainty and that could be a huge risk to take.
I'm not knocking Perel's book - in fact I adore it and I recommend it for couples who do want to add the spice back in. I believe spice is an important element in relationships and that too much comfort can signify death in the bedroom (and given we are sexual creatures, this lack of "zing" can potentially result in an unfulfilling experience). But what concerns me is that spice, zing, fire, or passion seems to supersede other important qualities like, support, stability, compassion and yes, even respect in some cases. The activities of the bedroom are more important than the activities of the entire relationship.
Too many of my friends lately have been telling me about intense love affairs which seem to flame out a few months later and leave them dumbfounded; "he was perfect", "I was so in love" they would lament. But what was bubbling under the surface was that he didn't treat them right - he left them in a constant state of arousal (aka anxiety) and this feeling, due to popular media's obsession with sexual passion, lead them to believe they had finally found "the one".
Why is it that we have begun to associate love, a rather profound experience, with the anxiety or "butterfly" feeling that comes with a new and uncertain relationship? Discomfort has been repackaged as "lust" and "lust" has been repackaged as "love" and this "lust/love" feeling has become the marker of relationship and sexual success. Elaborate sexual scenarios, pornstar-esque sexual performances and an upsetting amount of orgasm fakery has become "the new sexual ideal". Raise your hand if your sex life is sooooooo good because you are simply putting on a brilliant show? Ask yourself if it is actually enjoyable to you or if the ability to brag to friends about your sexual prowess is merely a substitute for a sexual emptiness that can only be fulfilled when your needs are met and not societies.
The reason these images and ideals are sold to us is to keep us in a state of sexual insecurity. The prospect of "discomfort" is a huge marketing strategy; there is a reason sex is used to sell every product from bacon to basketballs. It is because it is the one construct that presents such an unattainable ideal that people will be willing to buy whatever product promises that perfect sexual outcome. That beer will give you the hottest girl, that eyeliner will guarantee you sexual worship, that IKEA kitchen set will ensure that you will have hot passionate sex right on the counter. If you buy these things, you will finally get the sexual and relationship fulfillment that society says you should strive for and ultimately, the right kind of sex will finally bring you happiness. The underlying subtext, of course, is that you must not be happy with what you have right now. And so we begin to meditate on it....what are we missing? where did we go wrong?
What would happen if we said "no thanks"? If we stopped and simply became ensconced in our own sexual and relationship solitude? What if we agreed to define our own boundaries, create our own parameters of happiness, satisfaction and fulfillment?
I know personally I have wasted a good 2.5 years disappointed in a relationship that has given me more happiness, more calm, more fun, more love and more comfort that I have ever had, simply because I have been using someone else's template to measure my relationship's health. Twenty years from now when looks have faded, when kids are stressing me right out, when work isn't going as planned, sex on the new kitchen counter probably won't solve my problems. It might feel good - but what will feel better to me is knowing that I am in a relationship based on my own needs and levels of desire and that relationship is filling all of MY requirements for happiness. It is there for me when everything else is falling apart.
I can't say my friends will be unhappy - and I truly hope they aren't - but I think it's flawed to assume that a relationship built on respect, support, silliness and comfort - as opposed to sexual fire is something to be concerned about, as they keep telling me it is. It's the Sex and the City conundrum: Modern women can (and should) have it all - looks, wealth, fame, popularity and most importantly, passion. Stability equals boring. Comfort implies the relationship has gone stale. If you are comfortable, it means you have nothing left to strive for - and if you stop striving, what's the point of life? I argue that comfort and stability finally signifies that the relationship can begin. You can strive now to be a better you, a stronger unit - but you cannot strive to have a deeper relationship if it is built only on the fickleness of passion.
I keep reminding my friends of this when their latest conquest breaks their heart again. Sexual fire, attraction and passion are important elements - but they are not to be confused with building a solid foundation in a relationship. A relationship built around passion is like a houseboat in a stormy sea - exciting but uncertain and scary at times. Plus you can never guarantee where you will dock. A house built on solid ground may seem boring to some but allows you to choose the design, choose the decor and choose the location to suit your needs - and pending any major natural disasters - it is generally a safe haven. Remember, it is your completely customizable home, but if you build it using someone else's blueprint, you are guaranteed to be disappointed.
I beg you to not spend all your time meditating on your relationship and to simply start living it. Nothing will ruin your bliss quicker that constantly analyzing and critiquing what needs to be fixed and the standard achieved (or to be achieved), while the elements you love (arguably the one's that are making the relationship work in the first place) are being shoved on a shelf and forgotten. We need to stop being the culture that strives to constantly "improve", and begin to be the culture that seeks to enjoy and appreciate. It's NOT broken. It doesn't need fixing.
E
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