Desire, Distress and Dysfunction

We live in a culture that seems to value sex more than anything (except money I suppose), so it’s no surprise that, more and more, research is leaning towards examining sexual functioning in men and women. While I don’t object to the need to better understand the experiences and aetiologies of sexual problems in individuals in order to promote more pleasurable and fulfilling sexualities, I do have a growing concern about the discourse of negativity and pathologization that surrounds this research. More importantly, I am aware of the impact that this can have on the perceptions of one’s own experiences as healthy/ or unhealthy and how that in turn can greatly affect our sexual satisfaction.

Upcoming changes to the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) have begun to recognise that the definition of a sexual problem needs to account for the individual’s experience of that sexual “problem”. A questionnaire that says “you don’t orgasm as much as the status quo” is not an accurate measure of sexual functioning if the individual is perfectly happy with their orgasmic frequency. Sexual pleasure is not created and defined equally across individuals – nor should it be.

The problem, however, is these changes might be too late; the moral panic has begun it’s trajectory and in a culture that is so concerned about other’s perceptions of them (to the extent that they get bits of their labia snipped off or skin grafted to their penis to live up to a perceived ideal), I fear individuals will do anything to make sure they are performing sexually either as well as, or better than, their neighbors.

More frightening, is that the focus on sexual problems has direct financial underpinnings which further serves to fuel the panic. Pharmaceutical companies benefit greatly from a culture that believes it is dysfunctional and is willing to buy a pill to ensure a quick fix. In fact, not too many years ago, the term “female sexual dysfunction” was coined by a pharmaceutical company that was manufacturing an erection pill for men that failed. So they created a new clientele – and the disease to go with it, all to ensure they could sell their product.  

Just like we think our house is too small, our car too old, our clothes too unfashionable, our boobs too saggy, our wallet too thin, and our penis too floppy – we too have now begun to think our sex isn’t as good. And let me tell you a secret, it’s NOT. But not because we have begun to fail sexually, but because we have begun to fail ourselves by discounting our sexual independence.   

Sexual desire, arousal, orgasm, duration, frequency, activities, positions, pleasure, fantasies – the list could go on – are all unique personal experiences.  You don’t have sex like your neighbor, your best friend, your idol, your parents or even your twin. So why are you measuring your sexual success – your sexual SATISFACTION – by someone else’s standard? Our growing concerns with measuring up to an arbitrary ideal has robbed us of the personal embodiment of our sexuality. Our sex lives are, and were, perfectly fine. Until we were told they weren’t good enough. That’s why I think it is incredibly important to be conscious of your own sexual desires and needs and to measure your sexual health using only those parameters. If you are feeling sexual distress, ask yourself if it is because you experienced something distressing (trauma, a major life change, a relationship shift, or a medical concern) or if it is because someone planted the idea in your head that if you aren’t paralleling a particular sexual script, you are dysfunctional.

It is critically important to make this distinction as you may require medical or psychological attention (and I highly recommend you seek it if you think it would help you), or you may just need a reality check: YOU. ARE. JUST. FINE (believe me)!

The reason sex isn’t as “good” is because we are no longer appreciating our individual experiences -  not because it isn’t as good spiritually, emotionally, mentally or physically. Let's put it this way: If you really, really, really like mayonnaise with your grilled cheese, and were told you were “abnormal” because “healthy” people eat it with ketchup, chances are the guilt, confusion and self-monitoring are going to hinder your appetite for grilled cheese. And for what benefit? So the makers of ketchup can make a buck? Would you seek ways to fix your grilled cheese habit – or would you say, “Hold up. I like mayonnaise, it satisfies me, so it doesn’t matter how anyone else eats it”! Time to reclaim your grilled cheese - and your sexual satisfaction!

Until we learn to appreciate our own sexual experiences – sex will not be as good, as satisfying, as it was when it was simply a matter of achieving our personal tastes and savoring the sexual flavors that wet our pallet.

Coming soon: Desire, Distress and Dysfunction part II: Why women think they are sexually abnormal because they don’t have the same sex drive as their husband, especially after they took care of the kids all day, cleaned the house, got the groceries, feel fat and ugly because they saw Megan Fox in a bikini and read a news article that claimed healthy women should be able to have G spot orgasms in a snap…. and how all this is INSANE (but a new clitoral cream can erase all of these worries and turn you into a nymphomaniac sex kitten so you can please your man, outshine your peers, and feel like you are a normal woman again. It may even help you win the lottery and meet Brad Pitt)!