Fasturbation

Books, blogs and research tell of the benefits of masturbation; from release of sexual tension to release of stress and to aid in waking and sleeping. Masturbation is an excellent way to explore your sexuality, your likes, dislikes, desires and fantasies and an even better way to start to understand your body as a sexual organism.

But something is happening to masturbation. The process is being ignored - the curiosity, exploration, and meditation on the body is being skipped over in pursuit of the explosive end point - the Big "O".

When boys are sexually developing (and I would argue girls as well), the discovery of masturbation is both a source of great pleasure and shame. The desire to experience that euphoria is met with contradicting notions of guilt, and messages of propriety, appropriateness and privacy. What results is quick - let me emphasize that again - quick engagements in showers, closets, and under the covers. The uncertainty around whether this activity is something young boys and girls should be participating in has led them to forget the importance of  the journey of exploration and maturation. It encourages them to reach the finish line as fast as possible lest they get caught and experience the ensuing wrath.

Fast forward to the adult years, masturbation has for many become a means to an end. It's become FAST. I need to get off (before my partner gets home?), I need to get off, so I can fall asleep. I need to get off before I have to go to work, or before my lunch break is over. I need to get off to release this sexual anxiety. I need to get off because I am taking too long, I need to get off - to feel release. The message being: I need to get somewhere. The journey has been replaced by the destination.

Masturbation has become Fasturbation.

What happened to "I need to experience pleasure"? (meaning more than the average 3-5 seconds that an orgasm brings). What happened to taking time for one's self?

Betty Dodson, artist and author of Sex for One (go buy this book NOW), speaks of the pleasure that 1-2 hour masturbation sessions can bring. And I argue that it is only through devoting time to yourself in a sexual way that you will learn to honour your body, know your desires and value the time that should be generously given to your sexual feelings and experiences.

I'm not blind to the fact that we don't all have 2 hours to lay around playing with our petals (and ohhh the hand cramps!) But I would like to question the benefits of Fasturbation - the goal oriented solo sex session.

I  coined the term "fasturbation" because I believe a distinction needs to be made between the process of pleasure and the pursuit of pleasurable release. What are the draw backs of "outcome structured touch" versus self-exploration? Do they even exist on the same plane, or should we comfortably accept that both hold merit and are beneficial in their own right?

When young boys are taught to get off before parents walk in, they train their bodies to respond fast. A consequence of this is they are not attuned to the details; unique processes in their body and mind that are manifesting. They may miss key sensations, or thoughts that could heighten self awareness and pleasure - a deeper more encompassing pleasure. Conversely they may experience anxiety when the outcome they are seeking is not going "as planned" or as expected. They are not attuned to mental or bodily processes that are preventing them from fully letting go, and instead, are wondering what is wrong with them.They have created a disconnect between mind and body...or mind and penis, to be exact. In fact there may even be a disconnect between body and penis.

As this boy becomes ready to engage in partnered activity he is burdened with the pressure to be "long lasting". He will likely, additionally, have a notion to get his penis involved in the play as quickly as possible (as it has been the sole focus of erotic energy) and negate other erogenous zones. However, paying attention to these other erogenous zones actually allows time for the (usually) female partner to reach a state of sufficient sexual arousal. Then, she then may desire a penis (perhaps inside of her).

Once inside of her, however, how does the boy train his mind and body to not respond "too quickly" - to be long lasting (aka what apparently constitutes a good male lover)? He thinks about unsexy things. In this moment he is not attuned to the sexual activity, or his partner, or his own body and erotic mind. Indeed he is not attuned to his penis for that matter. He is denying them all in the name of sexual performance. And how is this sexually pleasureable?

To me this seems an unfulfilling sexual experience and a whole lot of work to go through to experience the outcome (orgasm). Men I know have reacted to this dissonence in extreme ways by finding sexual activity unappealing and even stressful; it brings so much anxiety just to achieve a quick release. Porn becomes the true partnered activity for them.

Women too, I believe, are suffering from the expectation of a "quick" release. While this may be something that is possible for them during their alone moments, once they are with a partner (usually male), there is the pressure to not take too long. They know that their male partner can get off quickly, and further that they, as females, should not be too sexually interested anyway (but should be orgasmically responsive). This mentality causes them to feel guilty that they are taking up too much of their partners time, efforts and patience. Their personal pleasure is not being valued.

Many women internalise the message that masturbation is so shameful that they either don't engage in it at all - or they do it so quickly so as to almost not acknowledge it happened. Again, this teaches women to not learn what their body and mind need for arousal. Women will sometimes associate sex with displeasure and even pain due to the fact that they are advancing through the stages too fast and their bodies are not ready.

Sex should be fun, fulfilling and pleasurable. Sex should be seen as a way to enjoy a partner (or yourself) and release stress too. It should not be a source of anxiety or discomfort for either men or women.

But these are the cautionary tales (and I acknowledge they may be stereotypical and heteronormative).

Fasturbation certainly is not all negative. Sometimes it's a great way to go to sleep, perk up your 15 minute work break, or just expel yourself of all that sexual buildup that was causing you more distraction than enticement. And for some, maybe fasturbation is a way to even reduce the anxiety that they take "a long time" during sexual encounters with partners. Some may feel that training the body to "speed" up is actually liberating. And that's all ok.

My hope is this entry makes people think about what they want out of sex and self touch and to not confuse the outcome as the ultimate pleasure and accomplishment. Use sex and self touch as a way to explore desires, sensations, strokes and fantasies. Use it as a way to meditate on self pleasure, personal sexual value and treating thyself well and lovingly and erotically.

Fasturbation is always there when you're in a time pinch - it is the microwave dinner, if you will. But remember that microwave dinners, when mistaken for a gourmet meal, leaves you feeling undernourished, and as if you didn't get your full money's worth.

E