Speak up!

I got a bad haircut the other day that reminded me of the importance of good communication, and especially of speaking up about what you want (and what you don't want). Coincidentally, after my disappointing hair do, I was privy to a situation with my roommate that bordered on her being critical and inflexible - perhaps speaking up TOO much.

I would argue there is no place more important to practice good communication than in relationships; especially those that end up in the bedroom (or backseat, or shower or swingers club). But a fine line must be towed between speaking up and nagging.

Still recovering from a superficial depression regarding my appearance (the result of not speaking up), I decided to take stock of my sexual communication skills to see if I was practicing good ethics - respect (for self and others), honesty and sensitivity. I realised, to my horror, I was mostly practicing blame, but dressing it up as "a good feminist take charge attitude". When it came to my sexual needs and desires, I had a healthy dose of self-respect, but I was nagging, not supporting. Ignoring two important communication ethics - sensitivity and respect for others, and placing all my energy on honesty, created an environment that made it difficult for my partner to speak up in order to get his needs and desires fulfilled, and to feel good about himself. Rather than resulting in a satisfying sexuality for myself or my partner, we were both feeling damaged and inadequate.

So what does good communication and speaking up look like?

It begins with self-respect and ends with respect for others. I was more concerned about my hairstylist's feelings than my own, that I bit my tongue. I was uncomfortable about creating an awkward situation or upsetting her. Having a healthy self-respect means believing that you are worthy of asking for and receiving what you want and not placing the other person's feelings and comfort above your own. Having respect for others means trusting the person is mature and strong enough to hear your criticism, and use it as a learning and growing opportunity.

The perils of not speaking up include at best, a disappointing sexual encounter (or haircut), and at worst a possible experience of sexual trauma. (Please note: I am not suggesting sexual trauma happens because people don't say anything -  sexual trauma is awful and unfortunately happens despite having a strong voice and fighting back). Occasionally, however, an individual may feel very insecure about saying "I do not wish to proceed" or "I would like things to change" and thus engages in an unwanted encounter to spare the other person's feelings. This other person was not given the opportunity to stop or slow down, nor were they afforded the ability to learn what it will take to please the individual. Not speaking up creates a sexual cycle where you are not feeling fulfilled and are becoming increasingly worried that it's too late to say something, meanwhile your partner is perfecting the wrong skills and techniques.

Developing the beliefs that a) your needs, interests and desires are important (aka YOU are important) and b) that your partner is mature, supportive and open minded, will result in a stronger communicative bond where you both feel safe to engage in a mutually satisfying sexual encounter.

Then there is the flip side: Abusing the open communication by hijacking the other partner's voice (aka speaking up so much that only your needs are able to be met). Good communication should involve a flow of multiple perspectives, healthy compromise and flexibility. If you find that you feel so strongly about the importance of yourself and your needs, I suggest you stop and examine whether you are still giving space to others.

It is an awful feeling to be constantly nagged. Rather than getting what you want, your constant demands actually result in the other partner(s) shutting down. Being bombarded with demands, tweaks of performance and high expectations puts so much pressure on the other partner(s), that sexual encounters may become a chore, a source of great anxiety or the relationship dynamic will start to reek of resentment. This person has become so attuned to pleasing you, that their own sexuality becomes neglected. They then begin to feel they aren't worthy enough (or it isn't safe enough) to speak up, further perpetuating the cycle of dissatisfaction. They do not see you as mature, supportive or open minded and do not see themselves as important.

Satisfying sexual encounters result when all parties involved have discussed and negotiated desires and expectations - and have made the effort to both please each other, and be pleased. Ignoring either your own, or your partner's pleasure, can only result in a negative experience and negative views towards sexual activity. It can further impact your relationship and self-schema.

I highly suggest that if you are experiencing difficulty either with sex, speaking up, finding self love/respect, or difficulty supporting or making space for others, to consider the benefits of personal, couple or sex therapy. A quick google search will offer you lots of choices in your area.

In the meantime - happy humping.

E