Where did you first learn about sex? Who were your greatest influences/ teachers/ mentors?
A lot of us come to understand our sexuality rather unconsciously. Aside from the "health ed" classes in junior high where we learn the parts of the anatomy, how babies are made and what diseases will be our fate if we actually decide to put any of this knowledge into practice, a lot of us don't really stop to think about what we were taught about sex and relationships. And often, not having had the chance to stop and reflect, made our sexual choices sometimes unfulfilling.
Our sexual morals and values are not innate - they are given to us and developed and cultivated over time. We are faced with challenges to these biases and assumptions, we experiment with ourselves and others, and ultimately we set ourselves on a path that hopefully feels "right" and fulfilling to us. The degree of how easy it is to find our sexual path has a lot to do with how strongly we adopted the messages of those that taught us about sex; how convincing they were or how much they guilt tripped us and played off our fears to set us on a path chosen by them.
Parents, religious mentors, siblings and teachers actively try and teach us about sexuality. It is usually one, or a combination of these, that shape our values around sexuality. But it is often the media and our peers that truly influence our behaviors and actions. And if the two aren't congruent we can end up with a lot of shame, confusion and dissonance in terms of our sexuality.
I'm not advocating for an overhaul of the media to be more in line with religion or our parents - and I'm not saying parents or teachers should support what is being portrayed in the media. But I do believe that everyone needs to start working together - or at least paying attention, critically, to where children and youth learn about sexuality and have open conversations about it. Ask your child what they know and where they learned it. Ask them what they feel about how their friends treat sexuality. Ask them what message the media is telling them about their bodies and their gender - and if they feel it suits them. Ask them what they hope to achieve in future relationships, and if you feel it is age appropriate, ask them what they hope their healthy sexuality looks like. Don't be afraid to have conversations about sex that touch on very deep moral issues, or religion, gender roles, and pleasure. It is only through this honest and open communication that a child will feel safe enough to come to you for answers when the messages are getting confusing.
I believe these conversations are not just a place to impart your values around sexuality - but are also the first step in breeding autonomy and confidence around issues of sexuality. So many adolescents and college students today are still to afraid to buy, let alone ask their partner to use, contraception. Even more don't fully understand how the body works and what to expect from sex, not just physically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually. This lack of confidence stems from lack of knowledge and a lack of safety surrounding gaining that knowledge. It is further impeded by myths about gender roles. Myths like "women who like sex are sluts" and "men who don't like sex are not real men" and "your popularity as a guy or girl, depends on how sexually pleasing and/or active you are". And it has dire consequences; unfulfilling or painful sexual experiences, fear, unplanned pregnancy, economic stress, sexually transmitted disease and sexual coercion, assault or bullying.
Having open and attentive talks about sex with youth does not make them more likely to engage in sexual behaviors - but it does help them do it safely and enjoyably, when they are ready. More importantly, having established lines of communication will ensure that important morals and values around sexuality do not fall on deaf ears. While your children may not choose to adopt the same morals and values as you, you will at least feel confident that they explored them thoughtfully and with adequate information, rather than dismissing them to ensure they "fit in" with the ever burdening pressures of the media and their peers.
So ask yourself: Is a 14 year old mature enough to make their own decisions about sex?
Well, how have you prepared them? That will answer your question.
I believe with the proper and accurate information medically, biologically and holistically (meaning honest answers regarding the emotional, mental and physical realities of sex (including pleasure!!), anyone is mature enough to make decisions about sex.
And if you still aren't convinced, let me put it this way: If a 14 year old made the decision not to have sex, would we stop and say "oh you are too young and not mature enough to make that decision - after all you don't know what sex is like"? I doubt it. Maturity to make decisions about sex isn't about forbidding sexual activity - it is also knowing that you have taught them how to confidently say no to sex amongst rising pressures to engage in it. But it is also trusting that, when ready, they can engage in sex and have a pleasurable, fun, safe and fulfilling experience on their own terms. The dirty little secret about sex, is that it isn't dirty at all. It is natural. But until we open up and share stories about this human act that created each and every one of us, we are going to be riddled with fear, confusion and ultimately unable to fully express this very important side of ourselves.
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