Compassionate Love

Can giving up sex make sex better?

Well if absence makes the heart grow fonder, then why can't abstinence make the loins throb longer?

As someone in a long distance relationship I sort of assumed that the distance would result in explosive sex upon reunion with my loved one, but to my confusion it didn't and I've been on a mission ever since to understand why. After all, going a few days without touching your bits usually results in a buzzing so audible to those around you that you need to take extra long shower time to calm your, erm, nerves.

Research on sexual motives suggests that after a certain amount of time in a relationship, however, we switch from "passionate love" to more "companionate love" possibly explaining why, after weeks without my Boo (no I do not actually call him that), I don't feel that insane build up that characterises hot sex. But it doesn't seem very fair that around the "scientifically identified 3 year mark" in a relationship I cease to want to rip the clothes off him... or me....or well even open up my toy box either. Just because I have reached a new level in my relationship doesn't mean my body stops releasing sex hormones. So why is it that so many men and women are experiencing this shift in sexual urge when they "settle down"?

The book Sex at Dawn explores our (non) monogamous nature and offers up suggestions as to why we may feel bored and even uninspired by the idea of sex with our partners (such as a biological need to copulate with many many people for social cohesion reasons to name just one example). However, for the bunch of us who are currently monogamous, author Esther Perel (who wrote Mating in Captivity) offers up practical adivice like suggesting that we need to, every so often, remove ourselves from the comforts of relationships if we want to rekindle our sexual fire.

So it's not abstinence by itself that makes the loins start to ache - it must be coupled with an absence of heart (aka comfort and companionship). I may not see my boyfriend frequently, but our embarassingly cheesy texting has created a breeding ground that further reinforces the fact that we are companions not passionate lovers. Likewise, you may see your lover on a daily basis and kiss and hug and touch, and think refraining from sex is a way to rev your engine but  what you are doing is filling your love tank with so much companionate affection that you reduce the very need for passionate affection.

It appears as if the safer your partner seems, the less appealing they are as sexual partners (we know their bathroom habits, they saw us pick our nose...and now we need to get turned on??) I guess that;s why "women like bad boys" and "men like bitches" (and P.S I don't believe that crap but it serves to support a point). And I suppose, without the comforts of things like mutual respect, all you are left with is that natural urge to screw.

So realtionships I have decided are kind of like an fuel efficient hybrid car. Sure you use less of that expensive and polluting gas (i.e arguments, anxiety)... but if you dont keep enough in your tank for emergencies (like when the electric part goes bust), you can't expect to get very far!

The same can be said for love and sex. Have you ever noticed how that couple who fights alllll the time is having mind blowing sex? It turns out sometimes a fight is worth a little make up nookie (provided you faight fair). But you need to remember you are a hybrid car - where balance is key; too much fighting isn't healthy, but neither is too much comfort. The truth is, at some point way down the road, you'll go through a period when you won't like your partner very much and thus that whole "companionate love" thing isn't going to save your relationship. But, contrary to popular belief, the sex might! (That's advice straight from my parents who are going on over 35 years of blissful marriage). Basically, boredom doesn't beget good banging. But good banging can keep that relationship boat afloat when the waters get murkey.

So it's not the physical distance between you and your partner, but rather the emotional distance that fine tunes the sexual relationship. I say, regardless of the years under your relationship belt, there is always room for companionate and passionate love. I call it "compassionate love"! This means having the compassion to know when to give all that mind numbing cutsiness and affection a break in favor of letting the fire build. But also having the compassion to back off from the fight and give eachother that throwdown you've been waiting for. And then you can cuddle.

E